Resistance

Resistance.

That’s what I felt in my heart as it sank…realizing this week is prep for the Passion. (for the non-Catholic - that’s code for the betrayal, trial, condemnation, and crucifixion of Jesus). I didn’t want to go through all that again, Lord. Please. Not now. I’m barely keeping it all together —I have so much to do — not this, too. …not this, too.

So, I rolled a little stone across my heart so that I didn’t have to feel the betrayal, condemnation and crucifixion of my heart. My Lord. Instead, I re-read a reflection of last week’s Gospel and distracted my heart by getting into work. Focusing on and fixing others — that’ll be good. Use my gifts. Good.

And, in my day, I encountered resistance. complaining. confusion.

All my efforts — NOT ENOUGH.

(at least, that’s what my heart heard)

Ugh. NOT ENOUGH.

NOT ENOUGH.

NOT ENOUGH — time in the day.

knowledge of technology to troubleshoot

points

clarity

helpers

time in the week.

TOO MUCH of fear

frustration

work

screen time

Reminding me of all that I didn’t want in this life - but is part of my reality, anyway.

I didn’t want to be separated from my family. I didn’t want to do my mock interviews over Zoom. I didn’t want to confuse my students or my volunteers. I didn’t want to be separated from my husband for an indeterminate amount of time. (that should be said with much emphasis in all caps) I didn’t want to be second choice. …but that’s how I feel.

This morning, God woke me up early to face the day with Him.

I sat this morning, opening my heart to Him — confessing my resistance, fear and allowing His touch to press into the stone I had rolled into place over my heart. What I discovered - it wasn’t a stone after all. …but flesh that moved and expanded - releasing tension and all it ehld onto as the Savior applied gentle pressure.

Melted…and I could open myself up to the experience of my Lord, my friend - my Jesus, during his last hours. I could hear his words…and join him in the prayer of surrender:

My Father, if it is not possible that this cup pass without my drinking it, your will be done!

I came to the last words of Matthew’s Passion (Matthew 26:14-27:66): So they went and secured the tomb by fixing a seal to the stone and setting guard.

Praise to the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!

Praise be to my Faithful God who has gently led me for 40 years to listen for his voice - trained me to recognize it - and taught me to not shy away from His touch of mercy and gentleness —

because that could be my heart -

sealed — STEELED — prepared to resist for eternity — the One who loves it,

who desires intimacy with it -

who can heal the hurts,

release the tension, trauma, and fear -

who can ensure its eternal security is Peace, Joy and Loving-Kindness —

and whose present is worth attending - and pressing into - and transforming.

There is a lure on Good Friday to skip to the resurrection. We live in a world that promotes distraction over attention. It IS easier to ignore the restlessness of our heart than to sit with it. Jesus sat with his restlessness and took it to his father, knowing he couldn’t carry that alone. The resistance we feel when we want to skip over the pain…that is an invitation to encounter healing if we let Jesus attend to our heart.

All it requires is your willingness. Your “yes” to allow Jesus to gaze upon you and for your strength to meet his gaze. All that is required is your cooperation to let him attend to your present. Even today. Especially today. He came for this. He came for you. Let us meet him today - wherever we want to be on this journey - wherever we wish to be - whatever state of denial we might be in….Jesus is inviting you to be present with him. In him. For him. Let his gentleness guide you into a new encounter with him on this Good Friday.

Dear friends, yield to the tenderness of Jesus’ Passion. Resist the temptation to seal and steel your heart from His healing presence.

Behold your King.