Finding God in the darkness
This is from a letter written to a friend wondering how a person can believe in God when tragedy strikes.
I suppose I am a fairly qualified person to answer. Dan’s response to his own suffering was along the lines of Job, “how can I accept good from God and not bad?” One promise of God’s that I have long clung to states “we know God can work all things for good in the lives of those who trust Him and are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28) Essentially, I have come to know, through my own life, that God redeems every circumstance. By redeem, I mean that He restores us to our original, first, highest calling. Every circumstance sent or encountered - even those meant to break us - even those that do break us - He restores and we are made more beautiful and stronger than before.
At the heart of finding God in tragedy, though, one has to start with who God is which, of course, informs how you believe God acts, responds, and initiates.
Is God defined by us?
OR
Does God get to define His own self?
If we start with the first, we will always be disappointed because God will always break out of our defined box. How can something created define the being that made it? Yet - that’s what most of us do - and why many of us end up angry, mad and frustrated with God. (I have been there many times.)
Starting with the second question, you may wonder where to start. Since I believe (because God said it) that God rewards those who earnestly seek to know Him - then, I think you will in time be led to the Truth no matter where you start. However, I also believe there is a ‘fast track’ to knowing God.
Unlike any other religion, Christianity holds that God didn’t simply create the world, impose some rules and then step back and see how things play out (or only reveal His self to a select few or one person one time). No, Christianity starts with the belief that God’s intention from the beginning was to dwell with the beings created. (also shared by Judaism and Islam)
Because love is not love if there is no choice - God gave humans the right to choose to dwell with God - or not. God had one ground rule; humans selected against it - now, introduce separation anxiety among all humans for the rest of time.
I think we can recognize that all of us feel some deep inward anxiety. Why would that exist if we didn’t belong to something - someone - greater? It’s like a homing beacon inside of us reminding us to search for the One who loved us more than we yet know.
Christians hold that God is not an impersonal judge waiting to throw down wrath. Even the Jewish scriptures (aka the Old Testament) are full of words from God to His people inviting them back into relationship. God promises that if they return, He will restore their dignity, their beauty, renew their spirit, and their hope. It’s a beautiful story of pursuit and steadfast love, faithfulness and courage.
It wasn’t enough for God to simply ‘have’ people. God is a relational God who wants to be with - to dwell - live - commune - love in a personal context - people. He’s not interested in being our pen-pal; he wants to be the friend living in your basement. ;) Christians believe that Jesus is God Incarnate - the fullness of God the divine in human flesh. Both God and man.
Because of Jesus - this is where suffering and our whole human existence - death itself, even, get turned on its head. Because Jesus - divine, eternal, God, light, truth - entered into suffering - He redeemed it. What was intended for evil (and was evil) was made holy because the Holy of Holy’s experienced and lived it.
When I lived the unimaginable, when what I feared most came upon me - I turned to Jesus - and found comfort and strength. That comfort and strength allowed me to first endure the pain - but also to push past it - to push away the darkness and hopelessness/lost feeling and push into a deep sense of love, joy and peace. I learned to do that because I learned from Jesus. My favorite verse is from Hebrews 12:1-3, “For the joy set before him, Christ Jesus endured the cross - scoring its shame, and is (now) seated at the right hand of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility (hatred) against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.”
The life of a Christian is learning how to relate to God by relating to His Son, Jesus. Jesus said many times throughout His life that He came to reveal the Father. The Jews regard God as untouchable, unknowable, dwelling in unapproachable light. It is the image of the Holiest Deity consuming whatever unholy thing comes near it (and creating fear) [think Raiders of the Lost Ark]. and Jesus was a radical coming into their temples, proclaiming, “No! Actually - I AM God!” and then backing it up by working miracles that only God could do.
This proof to back up his claims was performed many times over, in many places, in public - the light of day, in the witness of those who believed, doubted, and mocked, demonstrated in many ways, including raising more than one person from the dead. It led to one thing: division among one question. Jesus either was exactly who He claimed to be - God; or, He wasn’t. And if He was who He claimed to be - supported by miraculous works (and the voice of God thundering down twice) - would the Jews want to kill him?
You don’t need to be a biblical scholar to know.
The thirst for power, to be in control, to receive the worship…the tale as old as time.
The miracle of Jesus’ death is that he actually died. Like, at any point, He could’ve stopped it. …by doing something miraculous. Right? Even those mocking him at his death said, “If you’re really God, come down!” and, “He saved others; why won’t He save himself?”
I think that’s a powerful question to consider. If Jesus Christ was who he claimed to be; if He was God, why would He allow himself to die?
This hearkens back to the separation anxiety: what separates us from God? Two things: sin and death. As Christians, we believe that it was through His death that Jesus destroyed both entities that kept us from communion with God.
Until Dan’s diagnosis, I wanted to do everything I could to avoid suffering. I was terrified of suffering. I thought it would consume me. That fear also caused me to fear God. I didn’t want to get too close to God because of what He would take from me.
I see now that I didn’t understand God’s true nature - and so, I kept Him at arm’s length. I also was angry that we couldn’t seem to figure out what was wrong with Dan. I felt abandoned by God - yet, I was the one choosing to keep Him at bay.
The night before Dan’s biopsy surgery, I was riddled with fear and couldn’t sleep. I wanted to pray - but I didn’t trust God, to be honest. Why would God care? Where was He? If He was actually good, why were we even in this spot?
Even though my mind was angry, my spirit knew the path…knew the One I needed. That night, I approached Mary in prayer. As the mother of Jesus, she knew what it was like to stand on the sidelines and watch the terror unfold. She knew the anxiety of waiting, or wanting a different outcome - maybe even of yelling at God for another way. So, I approached her and she led me to her son, Jesus.
Jesus, who endured so much suffering, though none of it was deserved - Jesus helped me rest in the midst of all the uncertainty. Less than a week later, as Dan and I drove to Phoenix for the diagnosis appointment, I gave God my final ultimatum.
(We were running VERY late and were going to miss our appointment. It was the day our house was packed onto the moving truck. We were 45 minutes late. We needed to leave the state the next day. At Mayo, your appointment is canceled after 10 minutes. We needed that diagnosis. We needed to know what we were up against. and it looked like we were facing more closed doors. In anger, I literally yelled to God that He needed to show up and fight for us. … Not even 10 minutes later, the receptionist called to tell us the doctor would see us whenever we arrived.)
That was my moment of surrender.
I didn’t want to fight against God.
I wanted to fight with God.
The surrendered heart is the path of peace.
Peace never left me - even when the way was dark, then path uncertain, the pain unbearable. My soul was settled because I chose to dwell with Jesus. I pushed into Him. God held me. God held me when Dan died. And God held Dan, too. Dan walked from this life into the light with the Light Himself: Jesus Christ.
That is Hope.
Our hope doesn’t disappoint because our Hope endured death itself and came out alive.
It’s either true or I’m a fool.
I hate being wrong - and I’ve searched out much of this through my journey…but at the end of the day - Jesus is it - the Way, the Truth, the Life. No other religion has him, and it’s His life that makes this life worth it.
