Back to School Week has been interesting.
For the first time in … ever? I actually had all of my classes updated and online on Friday. This allowed me to be ready to respond willingly to “come what may” during this week. I purposely hold walk-in/drop-in advising appointments the first week, so all the fires can be put out as soon as possible. It’s easiest to respond positively to the students coming in when I’m not also thinking of all the other things that I need to do and feeling divided/distracted.
Despite this preparation, I have had an ‘anxiety dream' every night this week. In our household, we call “anxiety dreams” those dreams you have where the weird stuff happens and it causes anxiety in your sleep. My dreams for this week are as follows:
I apparently neglected shaving my legs for a very long time because I had to use an electric hair clipper set to shave them. (Night 1)
Acadia had a very violent reaction to her “new” catfood (which she’s been eating for 6 weeks) and puked everywhere in my room in big piles (like 1 foot tall). (Night 2)
I was somewhere with our secretary (and it was just us - and it was probably dangerous), and my feet were in some sort of iron/metal stocks - I couldn’t move…and then, a snake started curling around my ankles. THE ABSOLUTE WORST! I HATE THOSE! I’M STILL FREAKING OUT ABOUT FEELING THAT SLITHERING! (Night 3)
Last night I don’t remember any dreams - just tossing and turning - with the recurring thought, “I’m just nervous about tomorrow.”
This morning, I was praying about the cause of all this nervous energy. I prayed for my class, for me - that we would all have ears to hear, minds to understand, courageous hearts, and eyes to see. I could hear Dan’s quote in my head:
Anything worth doing is going to make you a little nervous. ~Dan Kiesling
I suddenly felt that heaviness: Grief. It wasn’t anxiety. It was grief.
Back-to-school-week is hard because I cannot do this week without thinking of him. We had 5 glorious years of back-to-school-weeks. But, these weeks are so poignant for me because in each of my classes, I ask students to share their journeys “here.” In turn, I also share mine.
My journey here may not be all Dan - but it’s mostly Dan. I did do the work to qualify for the jobs I’ve had, but my journey to Michigan State: well, that’s all Dan Kiesling. …and, while I hate going there - and having to talk about Dan’s dying - it’s also a very important part of my story, and why I’ve stayed.
I acknowledged that I missed Dan. Of course, I do. The grief I feel this week - it’s that acknowledgement of how much that man loved his job. He gave his heart and soul, blood, sweat and tears to his work. His work, ultimately, was his students - pushing their growth, development, and working to ensure they had as many opportunities possible. He put in more hours in a work week than required - toiling closer to 55-60 hours during the judging season. He poured himself out for them.
Coming here to Michigan State was an honor and privilege that Dan was ready to fulfill. It truly felt like the Israelites getting called up from the desert to come to the promised land. All those years of toiling in the (literal) desert: now home to build a legacy.
…there’s one time of year where it feels most unfair. When all is new, when years are counted, and beginnings embraced: how can it be that I am starting year 5…and he only got 1?
As I thought about my lecture today, the idea of “Pivot Points” came to mind. As we look on the timeline of our life: where are your pivot points? Those times where your life changed dramatically - what was the event? Who played an instrumental role during that pivot?
My students mapped out their pivot points.
I asked them how many included a pivot point that was purposeful. Only 2 rose their hands. Our pivot points in life can be purposeful, you guys. We can - and should - identify opportunities and go after them. My pivotal points during the formative years include 4-H, FFA, SOFA, and choosing Iowa State.
My major pivot point in college was encountering Jesus and choosing to live my life listening for his call of vocation. My major pivot point in those five years after college was choosing to get my Master’s degree in Ag Ed.
But my life-changing pivot point?
You got it.
Dan Kiesling.
(I should note that immediately I heard Dan ‘effin’ Kiesling in my head - and you gotta believe that was all Dan. We used to say stuff like that to each other all the time as jokes.)
While I had already started my Master’s in Ag Ed when we started dating, my personal life slowly pivoted. I pivoted to Catholicism. I then pivoted to Arizona. My professional life pivoted, then, from pre-college programs to teaching and advising college students.
Health-scare: pivot. Led to being a health coach.
Opening at MSU: PIVOT.
Dan’s cancer diagnosis: PIVOT.
(If you’re not picturing Ross yelling, “Pivot!” right now, we should reconsider our friendship.)
Learning to be a widow, allowing myself to be emptied by grief, and filled with the Holy Spirit: pivot. pivot. pivot.
While some pivot points happen to us, so many we get to choose just how and when - and IF - we will pivot. Are you pivoting toward growth - and toward God? Are you staying put? …or is your pivot taking you from your true self?
As I got ready this morning, a new-to-me song came on, Be Here Long by Needtobreathe:
I gave you the best of me,
loved you more than anything -
we don’t get to be here long.
Dan hasn’t given me a song in a long time - but this one was from him.
2019-20 first day of teaching selfie
Wearing a shawl/scarf from Dan with his Valentine’s Day 2012 gift (the painting) as a backdrop
