Wedding Dreams, Dances - and the magic in Round 2

Since I was in college, I’ve had dreams about getting married. I mean: ACTUAL dreams - while you’re sleeping - dreams. Not the goal/wish/calling about marriage - the strange movies that play while you’re sleeping. Before Dan, those dreams were about marrying the wrong person. I remember one in college where we were at the actual ceremony and I realized that I did not want to marry him. I couldn’t - and the accompanying anxiety around that realization and then facing disappointing everyone by making the grand announcement/departure. (all in dream-mode)

I take marriage very seriously. I’m not interested in being in relationships where I don’t see the potential for lifelong commitment. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

Anyway, all that to lead into the fact that this week, I had another wedding dream.

…but this time, it was weirder than the others. Because Dan showed up. I wasn’t marrying Dan in my dream - no, I was in the process of planning a marriage/wedding to someone else, and I was wrestling with the logistics of marrying someone that I’d also have to be separated from for a few months. …and then, suddenly, Dan showed up - and I was also married to Dan. …and Dan just listened to me share my thoughts and fears about this other wedding…and then, Dan held me.

…and that’s how I woke up. with Dan’s arms around me.

Certainly, it’s nice …but those moments also are hard.

On Tuesday when I got into my car to drive to work, a strange thing happened. I plugged my phone in to queue up the readings for the day when one of “Dan’s songs” started playing instead.*

When Dan and I were approaching our engagement/marriage, he made me playlists. He made 2 for me: Bedroom Music 1 and Bedroom Music 2. (I was mortified at the title because that wasn’t who we are - and what if people saw that - and I can’t believe I’m letting you all in on our secret now)

Despite my mortification, intuitively I knew that those songs were a description of his heart for me. In fact, those have been the songs since his death that he often ‘plays’ for me when I need to hear from him. In those first few months after his death, I would often wake up with a song playing in my head and I ‘knew’ those were my messages from Dan…and I needed to pay attention.

The song that started playing on Tuesday was “Good Night for Dancin’” by the Josh Abbott Band and Charla Corn. …and I knew that was from Dan.* (Please listen to the song; you won’t regret it.)

…and I cried. because he told me exactly what I needed to hear.

You guys, I’m trying to figure out wedding round 2…and it’s really hard. It’s REALLY hard. Logistically, it is a bit of a nightmare to figure out how to make things happen and what needs to happen when you’re separated by an ocean and a few other factors.

One logistical question rolling around: I like weddings that capture the couple. …and you know, Nigel’s not really a dancer. So, do we have a dance? You know, for everybody else? But like, I don’t want to leave out Nigel on his own wedding day…

…and Dan’s message to me was this: Our wedding - it was a good night for dancin’, Jessica. You called your friends and I called mine. We had ourselves a country time. It was a good night for you. That night - that was the start of our time. …and it was good.

Well, it’s last call - and the lights begin to come on -

and they announce that it’s the very last song.

I grab your hand; lead you out on the floor -

hold you in my arms till we can’t dance anymore.

…and now, Babe, it’s a new time.

You guys, I wish I could explain just how much my heart needed this. I needed that reassurance from Dan that he knew…that he knew that I wasn’t choosing to leave him behind…and he showed up for me, like he always does.

Balancing your love for your deceased spouse…with the new love…these are hard things to do, you guys. …because either way, feels a little like betrayal. Like you’re leaving behind your first love to embrace the second.

People often describe life in chapters. I find that description so inadequate. I also find it too jarring - too final. I didn’t want my chapter with Dan to end. …and I don’t want to be the cause of his chapter to close, either. For me, I find that thinking of my life in terms of an overture is better. There was the song of my life - it’s own distinct tune…and then there was the song of Dan’s life - and our tune interplayed and created its own song. Our two distinct parts became one song - its own tune.

That song had a dramatic crash. …and the song slowly faded until there emerged my tune again - but this time in a different key. More subdued, in a minor key. And then, in these beautiful bursts - Dan’s tune can be heard. Sometimes it takes an ear straining for it - sometimes, it’s obvious.

Then, a new tune played in. It had a bit of an Irish element to it. It somehow fit the melancholy of grieving Jessica, though it wouldn’t have been described as sad. Over time, the two tunes blended together into new harmonies. A richer, deeper tone full of expectant hope from a life built on wisdom. …and still, even now, you can pick up on Dan’s tune. Always there.

*my car never automatically goes to my iTunes when I plug it in. Also, when it does default to my iTunes - it starts playing alphabetically with The Black Eyed Peas. So…this was very much a Dan/Holy Spirit moment.