It’s been awhile. Eleven months to be exact. What brings me here today? Inspired by a friend’s Facebook post encouraging us to share all the parts of our lives - not just the good and happy, I decided to reconnect here.
When I discovered that my number one CliftonStrengths theme is Communication, what resonated most strongly with me was the need to be understood. Writing is my way of doing that. Writing helps me understand myself (my feelings mostly) - and it allows me to express that understanding with others. It’s also my ministry - as I understand myself and share, I hope that it opens up a pathway in others to discover more of themselves.
So, that brings me to today. Lately, I feel a bit…unsettled…in my work. …and it’s been difficult for me to put my finger on it; to find the words for it. Part of it feels like dissatisfaction; like I’m uneasy and don’t feel like I am appreciated by my students. This fall, I had a particularly mean teaching review. It was an attack on my person, and it cut. It wounded me. I know others can move forward from those things; they can reason it out - that if it’s not constructive, it’s not worth focusing on…but, I was cut. I was hurt. …and one of the things I’ve learned from my spiritual direction courses is that if we don’t address our wounds, they are an opportunity for the enemy to steal, to accuse, and to ultimately throw us off the path meant for us because we have become so disheartened and disillusioned.
Today, I had a particularly life-giving conversation with a student…and I didn’t recognize it at the time. This student is a new mom, and she was sharing with me a little about what motherhood is like. The birth, the current 4-month sleep regression, the challenges of being a mom as a student. While I haven’t been a mom, I have plenty of friends who are - and those who write blogs about it - and I just absorb what it’s like. She then said, “I can’t remember; do you have children?” No, I shared, I haven’t been able. “Oh, well…do you have pets?” Yes - 4 cats. “Oh, well they’re probably like your kids!” Yes, I call them my babas all the time. “And, you’re probably like a mom to your students, too!”
…well…actually. After the first semester of the pandemic (Spring 2020), I remember reading a comment that expressed disappointment in communication and lack of clarity. I was hurt by that comment because I thought that student and I had a good relationship; one where if there was confusion or lack of clarity, they’d ask. This sparked a realization that I was putting my heart into something - into someone - and that wasn’t reciprocated. I was using my job as a substitution for being a mom…and that’s not what they needed. They have moms. They don’t treat me like their mom…because I’m not.
That realization was healthy for me because it has allowed me to step back and not expect my job to fulfill my call to motherhood.
In January, while trying to process that cutting review, Deacon Wayne put it like this: there is a heart / head disconnect. Confused, I asked for clarity. You are approaching your work with your heart; you put your heart into it. You are investing into a relationship with them - one that seeks their best, to grow and to know them. They didn’t reciprocate. They wrote this with no concern for your heart.
In November, I had a surgery to remove uterine fibroids. During the procedure, my doctor was hoping to find out if my fallopian tubes are open. The fibroid turned out to be much larger than anticipated; the surgery went on longer than expected; and the dye injected into the tubes didn’t drain out. My doctor wasn’t sure if the tube was actually blocked or if I’d simply lost too much fluid, and it didn’t flow correctly. While another procedure could be done, Nigel and I had already come to the conclusion that we weren’t going to pursue IVF or a similar treatment. It was relieving to know that after all these years, there was a reason I never got pregnant…and it wasn’t that God was withholding a blessing from me. My tubes were blocked. One of the things I learned from Dan’s death was that sometimes, our bodies give out. They aren’t perfect; they can only take so much. Death is part of life. I wasn’t mad at God; I didn’t question God; it is what it is. Death is. Disappointment is.
As I kept on walking and mulling on these thoughts, I began to think on this: as women, we are called to motherhood. Most are mothers through natural birth; others through adoption; others are spiritual mothers. One of our unique gifts is to mother.
And…what if my student today was right? What if I am a mother to some through my work? To one?
I have always had this strong desire - a need - to be all things to all people. You know that saying that no one is liked by everybody? Well, I have been certain that it didn’t apply to me. Those others just weren’t trying hard enough. I mean, have you met me? I’m a likable friend!
In this current season of life, I’m realizing this hard truth…the unsustainable truth - that being liked by all is an impossible standard. …and maybe, the lesson of the last two years is that I need to narrow my focus. Let those who need and appreciate my gift come to me…and allow the others to find what and whom they need. It does not need to be me. Maybe I am on the brink of detachment…detaching from the need - and opening the door to receive what God has for me.
Amen. Let it be so.
